Three years and counting…December 29, 2009 at 2:53 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments
Without diving into deep background, I can promise you that marrying my husband was the last thing I had in mind when I met him. (Need I mention that the first time I saw him he was checking his Blackberry?) Not that he wasn’t cute and funny — a salt-and-pepper haired, dimpled, charming, Irish boy from Boston. After a few dates, I felt like he was the person I had always wanted to be with: someone who loves to read, to run, to split a bottle of red wine, whose family is as important to him as mine is to me (disfunction and all). The super-Irish surname didn’t hurt, either. But marriage, in general, wasn’t something about which I had a lot of enthusiasm. I had just made law review and was on a mission to continue kicking ass through law school until I landed a job at the first New York firm that would send me to Paris. (As I’ve written about before, I think, I had convinced myself that Paris would be my mate. I’d fall in love with the city, and that would adequately replace any lingering need for a human relationship. It sounds ridiculous and hyperbolic, but I assure you I was very serious about this plan.)
Here is how I felt three years ago tonight: nauseous, tired, and self conscious. I was nervous, but only in the stage-fright sense — only because I was about to walk down the aisle on my mother’s arm with 60 family members and close friends staring at me. Unlike most brides, I honestly felt far from beautiful that night. But I did feel happy and calm.
Here’s how I did not feel: scared, unsure, hesitant. As I said in my impromptu toast at our reception, I’m terrible at making decisions. I project into the future and second-guess and guess again and almost paralyze myself with indecisiveness. But I never thought twice about spending the rest of my life with him.
And my marriage, to my great surprise, continues to be one of the few areas of my life I don’t question, bringing me a sense of grounding and belonging I had until now written off as elusive and idealistic.
I love that our anniversary falls in the middle of this relatively quiet no-man’s land between Christmas and New Year’s, and that every year it seems to be the coldest day of the winter, and that the Christmas lights are still up.
Happy Anniversary, Tim.